Friday, April 30, 2010


Dear Jenny,
I know the miles have separated us,
Kept you far away from me.

And I’m sorry,
Because I know that you deserve so much,
More than I can give you.

So for now I’ll try to write you,
Everything I could not say.

You’re the reason for the smile that sits on my face,
You’re the reason I can be happy on the rainiest of days,
You make me want to be more than I had ever been before,
You make me so much more.

Dear Jenny,
This is the second time that I have tried,
To tell you how I feel.

It seems my words,
Keep falling short of what my heart is,
Trying to let you know.

Just in case I failed to tell you this before,
I love you.

By Tim Urban

Or at least I think that’s how the lyrics go,
This is by far my favourite Tim song of all.

Okay I’m just going to go ahead and say it,
This is more than just a crush!

No, I’m not going to go overboard,
And think that it is LOVE or anything like that.

But I definitely like him,
From a rather different perspective,
Compared to others who I like.

I mean it when I said it the last time,
That I don’t come across people like him too often.

He’s just a very pleasant guy.

So yes,
I’ve only seen how he’s like on AI,
And other public appearances.

I haven’t seen what he’s really like,
Off camera,
With people,
Being his true natural self.

So who am I to say that he’s considered a good person?

I’ll tell you why,
Because I really, really like what he brings out,
When he knows he’s in the public eye.

Not everybody can do that,
Just spread their optimism and smiles freely,
And make an impact on others as well.

His fans (myself included)
Can feel this vibe that he’s throwing,
About how easy it is to just take it easy.

It so simple,
Yet people tend to take it for granted so easily.
I’m talking about these:

Be happy,
Spread the love to others,
Be optimistic,
Encourage & inspire others,
Entertain them,
And smile.

That is what Tim does.

And I think there is more to that than meets the eye.

How often do you meet this kind of person,
Who carries this persona ,
That fills you with instant excitement
And reminds you to enjoy life’s natural journey?

Maybe that’s a little too deep,
To get from first impression.

But hey,
I wasn’t so convinced when I first saw him as well :P

Yet when,
I find myself going through difficult days,
I think about how much I miss being happy.

I’ll start to feel,
As if I’ll never be happy again (when I’m going through a downfall)

Then I realized,
Happiness is something I would NEVER ever want to give up.

So I will face whatever comes to me,
Because I want to fight for that happiness.

And today I also discovered,
That Tim has:

-YouTube page
-Tumblr (courtesy of his fans)

And maybe more,
But I can’t remember them,
Because there’s a lot of ‘em,
Oh the things I do when I’m with the cousins!

Oh yeah of course,
Music wise,
There are probably thousands of singer-songwriters out there,
With Myspace and Youtube and any other tool they use to express/promote.

So what makes him so different?
Why is he special?
How will he prevail when there are so many others doing the same thing that he’s doing?

Another thing I admire about him,
That confidence,
And how he always remembers to have a blast in every performance,
No matter what the outcome is,
Or mistakes that he might make.

Just remember to enjoy it,
And nothing can put you down.

some vids

Just for you!
Music, Movies & Books~

Tim Urban *smiles*:


Beautiful Creatures (the novel):

Thursday, April 29, 2010

cleaning out my closet

So this is what I did today:

6am- woke up, sent Mama to the airport
12pm- got back, went back to sleep
3pm- woke up again n cleaned out my closet
(yes, it took that long to clean my closet and still i wasn't done yet)
6pm- AI, then Glee. then AI again. then Grey's
10pm- did a bit of research for my PEMBENTANGAN next week. topic: Sistem Tulisan [i'm crazy nervous! i dunno how i'm gonna be able to speak] & then listened to some original songs written by Tim & now here I am blogging about it.

So this is what happened yesterday:
(I did not have enough time to blog about it while it was still fresh so here it goes)

Sadness and guilt. don't read if you're having a good day. read if you want to know what's going on with me.

Well everyone,
I ran out of smiles.

I'm pretty messed up this week,
All over the place,
Can't stay in one spot.

Cause if I do,
I feel like I'm going mad.

I literally ditched uia today,
like seriously got all my stuff together and ran home.

I've never been able to ditch full on before,
Never really escaped a place even when I thought I couldn't bear it.

Now that I've done it,
I don't feel good about it at all,
It feels like I'm running away.

I've offended some people,
People I care about,
And I'm telling you,
It's eating me up inside.

Last night I wrote a short story,
Late into the night,
To express myself.

I am not ashamed about what inspires me:

1. Tim :)
2. The question: if you could fall in love in 29 days, how will it go?
3. Fate~ things happen for a reason.
4. And a random thought: the effects of when your soulmate appears in your life at the WRONG time.
5. A couple of songs.

*If you're interested in reading, do contact me personally *

PS: I've noticed that I'm throwing out a lot of baby blue clothes from my closet. again, if there is any interests just holla!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

rough start

Okay, I gotta admit,
It was a rough start for this semester,
Due to a lot of reasons

But hey,
Who said that it was only going to get easier?

I had my happy moments,
Because of results which I can honestly say,
Is quite satisfactory to me

But now it's time to move on,
Toughen up, be strong and I shall not fail.

This time, however,
Was different.

Because I was different,
Somehow something helped me get through it all.
After all, only He knows what’s best.

When I first arrived here,
In my new room,
Sure, I was disappointed,
Maybe I was even so, so ridiculously sad that I had to get out right away,
Which I did.

But I had to come back sooner or later, didn’t I?

Sure, sure,
I was sad,
Everything was so uncomfortable,
Not to what I was usually used to,
And everything I had before was way better.

It’s not like I told myself this was just another stage in life I had to face,
What helped me was...
The fact that I just didn’t care anymore.

I only got to add one subject this semester,
I have no more fight left in myself to fight for more.
Does this means that I’m giving up?
Hell no!
I’m just taking some time to chill,
While I still can.

And yes,

Whatever it is,
I tell myself to just smile :D
I don’t know how long this positivity will last,
It’s so unlike me,
To not dwell in sadness when sadness comes,
Yet I smile when shit is thrown in my face.

That is sooo different from me.

But I like it,
Cause this positive attitude is helping me pull through.
And that’s what’s most important after all.

Another thing,
On my first night here,
When I had run out of smiles and positivity,
And all that’s left was to be sad (cause sometimes crying/pouring it out helps)
You were the farthest thing from my mind.

I thought that could never be possible,
Even in the most drastic of times,
I think of you, I still remember you,
But last night,
I gave up,
I succumbed to my own misery.

I was always thinking,
That we could work things out,
It only takes our time and effort,
Which I was ready and willing to give this time

I thought I was ready,
Maybe I’m still not.

So I guess that’s it,
Now I’m happy to say that I am in fact,
Very, very, very happy,
I think positive,
And I’m still smiling. :)

Saturday, April 24, 2010


DONE PACKING... almost :P

Well, going back to hell tomorrow.
On the bright side,
It feels less hellish this time somehow.
Maybe it’s cause my relaxed mood just couldn’t be bothered.

So today, I did some last minute shopping
Before going back to Gombak tomorrow.

And also,
I officially became a user of Estee Lauder today.

Mama has been using it for 20 years now,
She’s a true customer,
She kept telling me how she first started using it when she was my age,
And advised me to start as well.

My excuse was,
It’s kind of crazy expensive,
Can’t afford to buy it with my own money,

(Last time I checked,
I was neither on scholarship nor loan,
My studies are self-sponsored [by the parents of course]
And I hate being such a burden to them already)

But during Mama’s time,
The product wasn’t so expensive,
So she used her own money,
Even back then!

Haish... but she insisted,
Cause she thinks “it’s time”
So I let the male beautician,
Guide me on what product would suit my skin type.

I expressed my concerns
On what I thought my skin needed,
And you know what he said??

“Oh, you want to be whiter, is it?”

Takde soalan lain ke?!

I could at least settle for,
“You want to be fair?”
Or even,
“You want to be paler???”

I’m not that vain okay,
Relax lah brother! Hehe!

In other news...

Kept on reminding myself,
To make a to-do list,
Or at least a list of “things to buy”
Before I went shopping.

But kept postponing,
Till the very second I was shopping,
So I just bought stuff,
Whenever something pops into my mind.

I ran into deadly temptations today (ironic much?)
When I went to Speedy,
To find Avatar sitting right next to New Moon
Oh, how will I make this life-threatening decision?

In the end,
Bought New Moon,
Because I remembered I already had Avatar,
Over je! Haha!

Got a free poster~

Friday, April 23, 2010

more than eye candy

Tim Urban sang Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson!!!
That is like one of my most favorite songs of all time!
Oh My God! How did I not know about that? :P
Guess that’s what you get for living under a rock for so long...

It’s Friday so I went to visit Granny...
Cause Granny hasn’t called,
Which is so unlike her,
Or maybe I just wasn’t awake when she did.

And spent some time there like always :)

So googled Timothy Joseph Urban with the cousins,
Found out some interesting facts and figures we did!

I mean, just look at that smile!~

Okay, I know what you may be thinking...
“Just another pretty face for me to waste my time with,
When I could be using my time for something more beneficial.”

But oh, he IS special!
I just know it.

Well, maybe not extraordinary,
Not somebody you look to for a successful music career,
Nor does he seem to possess staying power.

He does have that optimistic attitude (smiles always)
The kind I don’t run into very often.
We all need a little light in our lives once in a while,
Don’t we?

But whatever life he’ll have after AI,
I’m sure he’ll be just as happy with it,
As all of his fans will be happy for him,
Like me!

don't mess with my car

Thought of posting something on TL today,
Since there’re are only three entries to date there,
Excluding the introduction.

But then I looked through the next one I planned on posting,
And I wasn’t in that kind of mood today haha!

It also reminded me that that one particular text,
Came with an artwork once,
If I’m not mistaken

Then I remembered this sad story,
About all my artwork.

Basically I had a meltdown (it’s nothing to panic about)
And ended up tearing,
And burning all my artwork to shreds.

Yeah, the burning part was unnecessary,
But I just felt like it suited the atmosphere back then.

Speaking of burning...

I used to collect scented candles,
I would light them up on certain occasions.

I don’t do much of that now,
So I found a lot of candles that I’ve bought before,
Still unused but pretty nonetheless...

So today...

While picking up my dad and waiting for him outside the mosque,
At exactly 5.30pm

A lot of 10 year-old or something kids starts running out of the mosque,
Maybe it was one of those kelas tambahan petang maybe...

I did not like that.

I don’t hate kids,
I love kids.
I just don’t like those random hyperactive kids who I don’t know therefore have no reason to like them.

I know it’s cruel,
But I started to worry,
Because they were running around everywhere!

And then one of them bumped into my car!!!
Oh no, you didn’t!

I almost wanted to roll down the window and yell

Yeah, I love my car :)
So don’t mess with it.

I didn’t attack the kids,
I was pissed,
But when I got back and saw zero scratch marks on Vivienne I was fine once more.

Oh yeah,
Tim Urban’s not in AI anymore!
Don’t want to watch anymore :(


Thursday, April 22, 2010


Again, I just want to say that I did not post my results here just so I could show them off. Just so we’re clear...

My problem is that,
I can type and type and type all I want,
But when the times come that I’ll have to take a stand and say something directly to the person...

I cringe,
I back away,
I get nervous and panic,
I’ll chicken out and so on...
I will end up NOT saying what I wanted to say out loud.

Sure I like talking,
And it seems that the words come out effortlessly when I’m with my closest friends,
But only to them of course.

So all this about showing what I’ve got to say and what I’ve written to the world,
I get extremely paranoid about that part.

I over think about it countless of times,
Until I end up not doing it at all,
Or if I do end up doing it,
It takes such a great effort to even get me to agree to do it.

I guess I can say that I’m a very secluded writer,
I prefer to express my thoughts freely,
To people who are already so used to seeing me that way.

And the thought of public speaking,
Publishing written works,
Or sharing them in a group sessions,
Scares the shit out of me.

I want to do them,
I really, really, really want to be able to share,
I have a tiny little wish,
To show the world what I’m capable of,
And to prove to some and myself that I can step out and speak.

I honestly hope,
That I’ll be able to overcome my fear.

I don’t exactly know what my fear is.

I get opportunities,
And I turn them down,
Every single time.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

CGPA- 3.034
Comments: *maintain... so it's all good. :) it officially makes me confident that if I ever get lower than that, I will lose it.

my results

There were only two times whenever I received my results, I would literally break down and cry.

SPM- I cried immediately after I got those results. Shut off my phone and did not contact anybody for the entire day. I locked myself up in my room for two or three days I think. All I could think of was that this was the end of the line, I was not going to get accepted to further my studies at any place in the world and even if I did, I’d be putting a huge burden on my parents for supporting me. My relatives tried to contact me through the house phone in my room because I wouldn’t come out and they still couldn’t understand a thing I was saying because I was sobbing so hard. In the end, when I finally turn on my phone again, opened my bedroom door and let the rest of the world back into my life, only then did I realize that it was not the end of the line.

My final matriculation semester results- I seriously thought I was not going to get into Gombak. After I got those results, my friends called me straight away and whoever I spoke to had to hear a lot of crying and wailing from me. I cried for the rest of the day thinking I wasn’t going to be able to join my friends at main campus because I was just naturally not smart like them.

I was dead wrong.
Because in the end,
I got into UIA Gombak,
I went through my first semester there.

I got my exam results today,
And this time,
I didn’t cry like it was the end of the world.

Below are my results
(I’m not flaunting,
I’m just storing memories)
With my comments about them

Fardhu Ain – A
*Throughout my 3 semesters in metric, I never passed fardhu ain. It costs me to take it yet again in main camp. And finally, when I thought it’d be impossible for me to pass it because I honestly thought that I was naturally unable to ever pass fardhu ain... Alhamdulillah, I’m more than thankful for this one.

Introduction to Linguistics – B
*I targeted that I would pass this one even before I knew my carry marks because I very much enjoyed answering the exam questions. My carry marks were satisfactory in the end. Throughout all this while I keep telling myself that I couldn’t do linguistics because my true interest and passion was on literature. I heard that if you’re good in one, you’ll be bad in the other. I couldn’t get half the stuff I learn about linguistics to permanently stay stuck in my head. But this was a different experience, I’ve taken a liking to linguistics, I actually had fun doing the finals :)

Poetry – B-
*Okay, I thought I was not going to pass this one because I thought I lost 20 marks in the exam questions. 40 marks total. The first 20 marks were questions we had to answer based on poems so I could do that. The next 10 marks were about haiku which I did not learn at all except for a brief introduction and only God knows how I answered that one. The last 10 marks... well I just got all of that completely wrong. This sucks because I love literature, and after I did this final, I thought I just screwed up the one paper I had a lot of love for. It made me confused for a while because I thought I could get literature and not linguistics but during these finals it was the other way around.

Intensive Expository Writing – B-
*I only found out about my carry marks last week. Or was it this week? :P and I was disappointed. I scored almost everything only by half. But I liked the final exam’s questions very much. It is after all writing. So I treated the exam like a good listener and poured my heart out on that paper. I loved the question on that paper, I can still remember it until today.

Science of Qur’an – Incomplete
*Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on there either. Luckily I’m not the only one. Apparently my friends all got this same result about this one particular subject. Oh well, I’m targeting between two: pass or A. I had my highest carry mark on this subject and I applied everything I learned during the final exam as best as I could. Now, I’m just hoping for the best.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Who Hellish

Random title
That fb told me to type down before I could share a link :P

Anyway, on to another topic...

I believe there’s a second side to every person,
That helps one cope, deal, feel or do whatever in life.
In times of happiness,
And in times of sadness

You see sometimes,
We ‘switch on’ this other side of us
When our natural selves become incapable to handle certain stuff that goes on

For instance,
You’re going through a rough time,
You’re not nearly as strong enough to deal with it,
So you turn on another face,
Who could deal with the situation better
And in a manner that is not accustomed to your regular ways

You may need to act more aggressively to it
That act is considered out of the normal compared to how always you act

Call it what you may,
An alter ego, a strong face etc

I see it as a guardian
Faithfully watching over you without fail
And an untrustworthy one at that

This other side of you
Was made by a craving
Of one single piece of you
To become the best at understanding you

Like how I see it,
No one understands me better than myself
Even when others are able to give you words of encouragement
The only one who has the power to make the first move or step...
Is you

And in times of darkness
Is when you really can't trust yourself

Although you’ve gotten yourselves out of some pretty messy situations before
If you have no hope at all that you can get through this
Then you might’ve just led yourself straight to hell

Friday, April 16, 2010

for further insight...

Now, I present to you TL’s first published text via
Yep, it’s copied/pasted in its original form.

Back when it was first written,
In the year 2006 if I’m not mistaken.

I did not alter it in any way,
Although there might be some mistakes

I don’t want to change a thing,
Because I’m recording it down,
So that when I look back in the past,
I won’t be looking at some over rehearsed piece,
That’s been tampered with countless of times,
Until its lost its true meaning.

Oh well,
I guess I shall post here,
The little note I found – that I wrote long ago – which was attached together with Grief.

“I wrote this while I was studying the stages of grief, which were moments before I came to type it down here. I thought it would be a good start. This is based on the emotion; grief.”

To be honest,
I’m scared as hell that I’m posting it now,
With all its brutal honestly,
And flaws/imperfections

But it’s done now,
So let it fly along with the free air.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

your beliefs vs other ppl's problems

First off, TL's taking longer to take the first step
In other words, it gives me a very heavy feeling when I think about publishing it
I’m embarrassed (but not ashamed)
Because it was written with low self-esteem
Because it’s not that easy to open up to the world
And because of this fear that I have
That people’s reaction to it will be sick,


“Omg! This is horrible!”
“This girl’s got issues...”
“Is every single thing she writes going to be as hopeless as this?”
“Then I’m not interested in reading.”
“Why would I want to spoil my good day/mood with a very troubled piece of writing?”

Yeah, I know it’s pointless but I do fear that.
Though, I won’t deny that I went through that very dark and depressing phase/place.

Duh! That’s why it’s called tragic love.
If you can’t get on the ride,
Then don’t read that blog :)


Sometimes we might think one thing is right,
Others will think that it’s wrong
Everybody has an opinion

So you shouldn’t get pissed off
When they don’t listen to your advice
Even if that advice has proven successful in your life

We have to accept that sometimes
Our beliefs can’t help others fully
And the more we try to shove it down their throats
The more they will resent us.

For example,
Take these two situations

A married couple
They live by one concept
That in Islam, the husband has the ultimate right
To the point that he can have another wife if he wishes to
And the wife
Has absolute complete trust in him
That she doesn’t bother to question him where he goes, how late he stays out etc
Because she has strong faith
And that’s why their marriage stayed stable all these years.

The second situation
Another married couple
Are having problems
And trust issues
Husband’s behaviour’s very suspicious
Wife doesn’t trust him as much about where he constantly goes
They probably have the same strength and level in faith or beliefs

Let’s call them couple A and couple B :)
So why is it that when wife A advices wife B
To trust her husband because it is after all his right,
Wife B can’t seem to understand wife A’s point of view completely?

It’s because they live by different concepts
Couple A has no trust issues
Couple B might’ve been smooth sailing in their early years of relationship
It’s just that couple B might not have gained 100% trust without reassurance first

Then wife A wonders why wife B can’t just follow her beliefs

So in the end,
It’s all about being considerate

What works for you might not work as well with others

What wife A should do is consider wife B’s rights as well
Even if wife A has never had to ask herself this question
It will make wife B feel better if
She gets more feedback than just
“A husband has all the rights; he doesn’t owe you any explanation”
“If you’re so curious, then just ask him to be honest with you.”

Be considerate
This can be applied to any other situations as well.

I mean it,
Everything that you know, the way you were brought up, your beliefs etc
Helps to build your identity
But don’t get disappointed
When suddenly
Everything you know suddenly gets turned down
Because the person you are trying to help
Just can’t see it your way.

Put yourself in their shoes
Then go further
“If I had his/her characteristics and his/her way of thinking, what would I do to solve this?”
And don’t just
“If I were him/her, I’d do...”

Sometimes you just need to understand this person,
And their way of thinking and dealing with things
Instead of just forcing down what you think is right.

Hope this helps!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

a bit late but...

I should first start saying that YES, I have deleted my previous blog,
the one with the title that was the meaning of my name.

secondly, the purpose of this blog
is generally because I wanted a new blog, fresh start, clean look etc
i wanted a place where I can write and express my thoughts
and I need it to further express why I made TL
by that I mean my other blog

those are where all my creative writing stuff runs to
I like to talk... alot
but I don't like my talking to overshadow what I've clearly written there

so the reasons, causes and other stuff needed to make TL more understandable
can be found here

IF I can make you understand them,
I hope,
sometimes I can't even understand myself :P