twist it here, twist it there

let's talk about love.
confessions of love are so dramatic right?

I don't love you though. love is such a strong word and I think it should be saved until I truly feel it.
but I like you. in fact, I really, really, really like you. and I'll continue to like you.
that will eventually lead to love, I hope.

but I have to get my priorities straight,
don't get me wrong, you are important,
and this isn't an excuse,
but I'm not even sure of my own feelings,
I'm not in the right place yet,
I'm not the right person yet.

I can tell you this though,
I'm not going to wander elsewhere,
I'll stay true and loyal,
honest from my heart, I'm pining for no one else but you.

it might look like... well, like there are others,
and this is when I start to hate myself,
if they are not you, I become such a bitch.

I get so frustrated when others come and they are NOT you.
and sometimes I wonder if it's fair that I'm saying "no" to them when I'm not necessarily saying "yes" to you either.

does that make me such a horrible, terrible person?

the whole excuse, "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" or "I have other things going on in my life right now."

when it's not that I'm not ready,
if it were you, I won't hesitate a second to say that I am ready!

but in the end, studies comes first.

so have I really become a cruel, cold, heartless person?
I can't help it,
I say things to avoid from getting myself into a sticky situation,
or I'll just put on a cold shoulder so that I don't lead them on anymore...

I've never done anything like this before,
I'm starting to question myself and my morality,
I don't want to become everything I hate just because I'm not interested in someone.

bright note,
I love my friends <3
I love them because they make me feel at home when I currently don't even have a home.

And I love these kind of friends who I don't see too often anymore,
it's not a sad thing,
because I spend days missing them and wishing I could meet up with them,
and when I do get to see them it's so worth it.

sometimes when you spend time away from someone you'll realize how much they mean to you and you'll cherish every short moment you get with them :)

twist it here, twist it there,
wherever my heart goes,
it will lead straight to you,
so enjoy the ride.

smile =)

a picture of Tim Urban a day keeps the doctor away =)

I miss...

I miss this...



and this...



and these...







especially this...



I think the world needs more of this...



"it's easy to make your face smile, the hard part is getting your heart to match" - Tim Urban

I don't want to go but if I die young, fill my empty room with the sun

people are asking...
no that statement is too general,
certain people are hassling why I''m making such a big fuss about moving.

they say things like how I'm no where near into becoming an adult because I'm acting so immature,
well let me tell you this,
I'm doing it aren't I?

I'm packing up my stuff and moving even though I'm only doing it halfheartedly.

I'm doing this for the people I love,
I'm giving in and sacrificing my need for comfort because I know they need me to be there for them.

isn't that the adult thing to do?

so yeah, I'm complaining
that's so teenage like,
well nobody's perfect.

it's not the new house,
really it's not.

it's my old house,
the one I just officially said goodbye to,
only a few hours ago.

this is my childhood home,
I spent years growing up there.
that was the only house I remember.

I had toys, got rid of them as I got old, bought new things, put them into my spaces, moved them within my familiar spaces.

I also spent my teenage years there,
I drew angry drawings and pasted them all over the wall,
then tore them up when I realized I was getting too old for them.

that was the only home I've ever known,
I build memories there.

I've had this song for awhile but I only started to really listen to it now,
because now is the only time I feel like I can relate to it

Empty Room by Marjorie Fair

I'm so tired of learning to talk
Building fences on the wall
In this state, I shall not remain

I don't want to go, but if I die young
Fill my empty room with the sun
Fill my empty room with the sun

This Doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore

Change my mind or help me to try
Im afraid and I'm not satisfied
In this state I shall not remain

I don't want to go, but if I die young
Fill my empty room with the sun
Fill my empty room with the sun

This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore
This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore

Daylight is not the same
When your stabbing at the stars
In your eyes, and bleeding
Is what you see

This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore
This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore

This doesn't matter much anymore

as of now I've said my final farewells to the walls I grew up in, to the wallpaper I tore when I was so angry,
I hugged those walls and felt like so little time was on our side as I rushed back out into the world

so I'm back in uni now,
I had to leave home early to be here...
and after these past few days of hectic packing and stressing/freaking out,
all my workload piled up to the max.

but what do I do once I got to uni,
I didn't touch a single thing related to my academic life (which is the purpose of why I'm here)
instead I thought I'd do something related to my social life since I felt like I deserved a little fun after all this moving sh*t

it was only a little bit of fun of course,
I spent tonight hanging out with ct orange and the night was full of donuts and vampire diaries and facebooking from the same laptop and making more plans for tomorrow :)

which is exactly what I need after the week I've had.

my heart's being toyed around with all over the place

my heart's being toyed around with all over the place this week...
every day of this week,
it got toyed and played with and now I'm just so freaking tired.

so many things going on,
too many things for just one heart to bear,
so much is changing too fast.

every day of this week,
I don't know why...

you think you're moving on then all of a sudden, not just one but two, three (please don't come to four) someones from your past decides to show up.

it's not the kind of in-your-face kind of show up,
just little reminders here and there like "hey! how are you? it's been a long time, no chat"
and a few acquaintances.

but it got me thinking like "what the hell?"
I thought I had a good thing going on,
and it felt really good to feel this way again when I seriously thought my heart wouldn't beat this fast for somebody anymore.
It's just weird that one, two, three are making guest appearances during this stage of my life...
when I'm sooo incredibly happy with where I am now that I don't want anything to ruin it!
I would die before I let anyone ruin it!

but it's so difficult,
while the rest were just friendly hellos and cameo appearances,
one had to deliver me some bad news.

haish...

does it seem inappropriate that I be there for him while he's going through this difficult time?

or will it jeopardize this good feeling/thing, happiness that I'm going through?

and I'm really, really happy.
I'm happy everyday.
so happy that I could just hate whoever or whatever tries to break me down.

well, that's one direction that my heart was heading to.

on other directions are because I'm busy with moving,

*just dumps everything in boxes because I'm too sad to think about leaving my home,
I won't even be in the new apartment until holidays starts*

so that's a lot for one heart to take in.

I want this good thing to work out,
but oh God, the past always catches up to you.
I'm not unsure about my feelings, I know who is most important to me right now,
but seriously, you decide to show up again in my life when I'm already going through a lot?
seriously? are you freaking serious? does it have to be now?

I think too much.

I just want to sleep. and then wake up and pack some more. do everything physically without thinking, without listening to my heart.

bottomless pit

I feel like I've stumbled onto a bottomless pit situation,
completely unmoving, uncertain, dead...
I don't get it,
all the little stuff has been taken care off,
that everybody completely forgot about the big picture.

big pictures are obviously a thousand times more important than the little stuff,
no matter how many little stuffs you do, no matter how perfect you make it seem or how hard to make sure they're done.
you're satisfied that you paid enough attention sure,
but how long will that satisfaction last until the big picture comes knocking on your door?

a student's life is so predictable,
somewhere along the road you're gonna get buried by assignments,
at some point you'll run out of ideas of what to do & how to solve this,
I say it's predictable cause...
one way or another it's all going to come to an end.

I mean, how long can a semester torture you anyway?
deadlines mean everything will end
whether it ends good or badly it will end anyway.

I honestly think this time,
there is a huge explosion waiting for me at the end of this tunnel.

*another reason we do this is because we think it's our future self's problem and that your present self might as well have fun while we can. but doesn't our present effect our future? hehe! just a thought!*

another fact,

a lot of things has happened lately which made me think about how I present myself,
well let's just say
it always starts with a girl.

or in this case... girls
girls are complicated
girls are emotional
girls have mouths... so they talk
sometimes they talk about things you don't really want to hear
but they talk, nonetheless, regardless of what month it is.

let's just say the recent talk (thank God it's not about me)
got me to thinking about possibly taking better care of myself,
or at least how I act around others.

so should I be extra careful, extra nice in order to avoid these knives known as girls' mouths?

on the other hand, paying extra attention to everything I do and say around others makes me think if I'm keeping my real self at bay.

it's sucks,
I don't like pretending to be something I'm not,
yeah I'm not perfect,
sometimes by being myself I might hurt people's feelings.

but if that means that I'll stay true to myself and not change into someone else,
then that's fine with me.

not all change is bad though,
change is good,
change helps society,
change is in fact needed depending on the situation.

if there is a bad trait about yourself that most people don't like then it's probably a good idea for you to consider a change.

there is a difference between being true to yourself and continuing to act horribly towards others just because it's what you're used to.

being true to yourself means that you are not lying to yourself.
you are who you are and that is the person you will carry with you til you're dead.

there's probably more to it than that but I'll just leave it there.

anyhow, another thing that's been boggling my mind like crazy.

I tend to think about this thing that we have to go through,
do you realize that it only happens once a year?
that you only get to experience this extravagant thing for 30 days out of a year only?


if you do then you'd understand why it's so special to me and why I've altered a few activities.

some people ask to me why do I want to be so righteous this month?
they argue that I shouldn't even bother since when the month's up everyone's just going to go back to the way they were before.

so yeah, I admit,
I'm not the best person/role model/example,
I'm not very bright,
I'm not that cultured,
but is it wrong that I'm trying to be good because I feel like I should?
and I'm not using this month as an excuse.

a month later you might see me and that I've gone to my old ways,
you'll say I just wasted it all,
you'll just say how useless my act was for this particular month cause I just threw it all away.

well you know what,
I don't have to explain myself to you,
I choose to do what I'm doing because I feel like it's the right thing to do!
and regardless of what happens in the future, I have no control over it,
no one can predict the future.

so screw you for thinking that I'm wasting a month,
get over it.

I think that faith is between you and God,
it's the most personal thing out of all the personal things you can have,
that when it comes to a point where you feel sad about something regarding your faith,
you turn to no human because nothing what human says can make you feel better,
it's the most personal relationship you'll ever experience.
and it shouldn't be judged by what's on the surface.

Do you know that everyday's the first of the rest of your life?

For Heaven's Sake by Thriving Ivory :)

Pull yourself together
Before you set yourself apart
Make every door you walk through
A living work of art
For Heaven’s Sake

For heaven’s sake there's more at stake
Than we may ever learn
More footsteps to hold onto and corners to be turned
Like weeping violins, you tremble and you shake
Don't you dwell on the future for it's miles away
For Heaven's Sake

Your talkin' in your sleep
Like there's nothing more to lose
Well hey you know you're not alone
Cause honey I get lonely too
And it feels so familiar, must have been here before
Singin' I don't wanna go but I don't wanna hurt anymore
For Heaven's Sake

And I know and I know and I know
That it ain't always fair
You're gonna have to let it go
No you're not moving anywhere

Pull yourself together
Before you set yourself apart
Make every door you walk through
A living work of art
For Heaven’s Sake

And I know and I know and I know
That you've had more than you can bare
But you're gonna have to let it go
No you're not moving anywhere
For Heaven’s Sake

to do list

Drama
- write script proposal = inspiration hasn't kicked in yet
- read Doll House & choose Nora's lines that should be in the script = halfway there
- read Oedipus the King & Every Men (or is it Every Man? or EveryMen?) = reading is best done at night.

Phonetic
- complete exercises = 50% done
- draw diagram based on videos = still waiting for the question paper. need to get it by tonight cause I need to pass it up in the morning

Mass Com
- finish reading chapter 3 = DONE!

S.O.H
- prepare notes for next class = not done
- assignment group discussion = will be determined tomorrow

Prophetic
- read for next class = DONE!
- group discussion = will be determined on thursday

I have no more classes for the rest of the day!!!
everyone's starting to look at me and wonder how can I stay so relaxed ;)

tomorrow's Ramadhan!
so I should eat as much as I can while I still can
YES, that is how I'm going to spend my day :D

let the happiness begin :)

things that make me happy:

1. I'm prepared for tomorrow's class = after 10am I get to spend the rest of the day completely stress free! still have other pending assignments but for tomorrow, everything's already settled!

2. songs I'm currently listening:
Overrated by Thriving Ivory
Tautou by Brand New
Dead End Justice by the Runaways
You Broke My Heart by the Vibrators
It's All Over by the Broken Family
Thunder by Boys Like Girls
Hey Lady by Thriving Ivory

to me these songs are very relaxing and can get you up & excited at the same time :D despite the depressing song titles and band names

3. Fooling around with sloganmaker!

Syafiqah Amir is an investment in good appearance.
Say it with Syafiqah Amir.
Syafiqah Amir it's sharp to be sure.
Tomorrow is Syafiqah Amir day.
Syafiqah Amir - If you love Syafiqah Amir.
Everyone should believe in Syafiqah Amir.
Syafiqah Amir just famous.
Syafiqah Amir so good you want it again.
Always ready, always Syafiqah Amir.
Made like, taste like Syafiqah Amir.

mind you, some of these slogans can make your name sound real dirty!
try it at http://sloganmaker.com/
*thank you Xavy fans for introducing me to this ;)

4. this random google-searched pic of a flower!



it was the first pic that came out from the search & it instantly made me happy!
so happy with this light & fluffy mood, nothing can ruin it!
FYI happiness + me = insanity hehe!

continuation

WOW have I got loads to update about today,
starting with the continuation of my previous entry,
which you might remember I talked about this certain conflict/argument I had.

well, it ain't over yet,
it's amazing how a lot of things can happen in just one weekend.

so let me get this started,
(I should warn you, this story does not have a happy ending)

Before the whole thing blew over I decided to take the high road by not talking anymore.

eventually, someone was going to have to win this argument and from the looks of it it's not gonna be me :(

I didn't exactly admitted defeat,
I just stopped responding... because honestly, I thought it was pointless to go on.

and I hoped that the best would come out of my silence,
it did... for a while.

the whole issue was put to rest and I was just getting ready to look forward to more and more happiness when all of a sudden IT ALL CAME CRASHING DOWN ONCE AGAIN!

I was in the car when this outburst happen,
and I had no idea that that one single comment would make me wanna punch and kick my door open and just get out of there,
tears were forming behind my shades.

but as usual, I held it all in,
I wanted to get out so bad I thought I could almost do it.

oh well, so I felt incredibly bad for the rest of the Saturday,
my mood wasn't in the right place,
I was surrounded by good company on that nice weekend night and I didn't get to enjoy myself one bit because this thing kept bugging me.

when it was finally over,
and I could finally take off my fake smile,
I climbed into bed,
and I didn't realized that I cried so hard til so late at night. (it was getting close to 3am)
I didn't even know when I fell asleep.

but oh yeah,
another thing that came out of it,
due to my frustration I tweeted the following on that late night:

"i was so happy. I'm mad at you for ending that just because you think you have the right to strangle me to death!"
"i feel as though i'm suffocating. You don't trust me so u'll bound me til i'm dead right? U dont even trust me to make one move on my own."
"u nvr ever listen to me. U think that's healthy because everything always has to go by ur order, ur ways."
"to you i'm not allowed to have a say in anything. Even if i say one tiny thing you get seriously offended!"
"u dont trust others with me. U dont even trust me! I can feel the rope tight around my neck bcos u wanna tie me to u for life!"
"u think u're always right. No 1 is allowed to tell u that u're wrong. Might as well seal my mouth bcos u think it's better that i don't talk"
"i cant hate u bcos i have to respect u but u're making it very difficult 4 me 2 do that"

yeah, I had a lot of anger that night,
and all I could do was tweet.

to make it all better,
the following day everything was the complete opposite.

the issue was dropped as if it didn't happen at all,
but I know this more than anyone,
if you feel any guilt whatsoever the best way to get yourself out of it is to be extra nice :D

I don't necessarily agree with that,
especially when it was all "you can have whatever you want today!" kind of way.

but nonetheless,
the person was actually trying.

though I didn't buy it,
in fact I couldn't even pay enough attention to it because I was in so much pain!

this pain I'm talking about now is fully physical,
I was struck with a bad case of food poisoning on Sunday.

and I felt horrible,
I threw up constantly (God knows I hate throwing up!)

but then it got me thinking,
could all of this be happening because I did what I did?
is the universe trying to give me a sign in this sick, twisted way?

well, I'll tell ya. you got me thinking about it.

and now I'm sitting in the corner all by myself thinking of the things I've done while I suffer the consequences of my actions.

I'm being punished,
I think that's the fair way to view it.

so this is not very happy & cheerful at all is it?

then I'll sidetrack it now.

RIGHT NOW
everything is under control,
I'm on meds, I'm getting better, still a tiny bit mad but I've got days to get over stuff like this.

I'm sure in the end it'll all blow over ;)

okay HAPPY HAPPY! LET'S BE HAPPY AGAIN!

argue

I thought I was going to update with something a little more chipper,
something light and happy to express the week I've had
because that is the week I had

but today was just too... ugh

okay, so it hasn't been the best couple of days,
but it hasn't been the worse because I held on to this thought... that it isn't going to get bad just yet so I should enjoy myself while I can.

and I did,
I woke up every morning with a smile,
I ended every night with a happy thought,
completely satisfied with myself,
I had reason to,
I actually felt content.

but today, oh God, it just ruined everything,
ruined my happy, good, positive mood that I've enjoyed being in for this week.

uh, though I do know that sometimes you have to make sacrifices
in this case I had to choose to lose.

there was this heated argument between me and 2 other parties (I don't want to name names)

now, I've always viewed every argument from a different perspective (as in I'll be the watcher not included in the argument)
and I always get an unbiased, fair say without offending anyone.
I try to be as general as possible,
I try each day to not take sides,
but that only happens when I watch.

when I'm part of the argument though,
and I think we all can agree on this,
the first thing that pops into your mind is "I'm right!"

of course you want to be the right one when you're fighting,
you want to win,
it doesn't matter if you're wrong,
you just don't want to give in and lose and let the other person be right.

even though after awhile you can take yourself out of it,
see things more clearly,
and make better judgments,
you can't deny that in first hand,
when you start fighting back you want to win like hell.

I guess that got a hold of me today,
I immediately overreacted and said everything I could come up with to prove that I wasn't the wrong one.

in the end, it was just a case of misunderstanding.

I was on the verge of tears today :'(

I didn't think,
I hated being wrong,
so I fought back as hard as I could.

until now I still can't see how one actually wins in one of these things

long story short,
2nd party made plans with me while I was crazy busy (this week has been a crazy one)
then that party had to cancel on me and told me to go ahead with the plan with 3rd party.
3rd party set the time and I made arrangements to try to make it but made no promises.

I couldn't make it on time because I was depending on someone else to get me there,
because I couldn't possibly go there myself
so 3rd party went mad,
and I fought back by saying how I thought it was a bad idea in the first place
(remember 2nd party made plans when I was clearly not into it)
and that I made no promises to be there on the time which the 3rd party had planned,
I made sure it sounded clear that there was a slight possibility that I might run a little bit late.

heh, I was only an hour late.

so 3rd party went mad and canceled on me.

I felt unsatisfied so I rang up 2nd party and complained,
I got yelled at for - if not for nothing - something that I didn't even say yes to in the first place.

AND THEN,
2nd party went on to tell me to try to get 3rd party to go through with it,
hello?
I just got an earful and now I have to be the one who does the convincing!

I refused obviously,
so then 2nd party went on to tell me to calm down, not to worry, everything was going to be alright.

which is exactly what you need to hear when you were boiling up like me.

yes, I overacted,
I'm only human,
we all are.

but it's all in the past now.

thinking about it again really does make me ask the question,
"who actually wins?"

DONE

a few random facts about me :)
I'm a layered person,
I don't trust people easily,
the ones I do trust, my friends and family,
I will die for them and love them wholly.
I can make you feel loved in ways you could never imagine.
it will be like nothing you've ever felt like before, you'll be surprised.

goodnight.