my 100th post

welcome to my official 100th post

RAIN

I have experienced a kind of beauty that I have never noticed before.

that sound the rain makes when it trickles down my windowpane =)

there was a storm just now and as I look out... I never noticed the view like this before.

yes it's the city, more specifically the highway just beside my building.

an annoyance I always complained about because of the constant honking I hear at night during traffic

but now as I look at it, despite the storm, there are no traffic jams.

which means no honking which pleases me greatly hehe!

and this beauty does come in stages.

first there was natural sunlight in my room, lighting every corner.

(a good thing since I never ever once opened my curtains at my old house, now I can have some sun in my room!)

makes me a sunny person :D

then all of a sudden it starts to get darker and darker,

and the rain begins softly

every time it rains I think of you

and then finally the storm.

rain, rain trickling down my window, keeping my room cool and calm.

my window gets foggy and the world disappears.

I open the window and my face gets wet and it makes me feel alive!

the wind blows me away and think oh God, life is great!

I just can't notice it sometimes.

funny how the smallest of things can give you the biggest impact.

the best part is,

I feel like Rapunzel (long hair on the way) all the way up here.

now I just have to wait for Prince Charming to come rescue me ;)

and I know I'll be alright



this is the view from my room when it first started to rain




and this was during the storm

ooooh and... ONE MORE THING

omg omg omg I must watch this! I MUST! I MUST!



I really don't want this to be one of those situations where the trailer explodes but the movie just... doesn't.



oh how I've missed you Alex (the yummy) Pettyfer a.k.a abs of a sexgod ;)

chocolate mousse

I have stitches in my gums, I can't eat my favorite type of food which is everything chew-able hehe!
so I decided to make something just as yummy the easy way :)

CHOCOLATE MOUSSE

1. combine marshmallows, chocolate chips, butter and water


2. cook until melted



3. whisk cream until fluffy


4. combine both mixtures and stir evenly



5. pour mousse mixture into serving bowls


6. refrigerate for about an hour or more


DONE!



~ makes for 2 bowls which is perfect for a romantic evening for two ~ :D



enjoy!

you

Evanescence - You

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me

Amy, marry me
Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be
You

my mission

my mission is to complete the following tasks before the next semester starts ;)



























I shall own all of you soon! hahahahahahahaha!

heh

What is on your desktop wallpaper?
“Daddy thinks I’m good for nothing, mama says that it’s from him, manic sister thinks I’m cracking, brother says it’s in my genes. =’(“

What is your favorite zoo animal?
The tiger

What was your favorite toy as a child?
Barbie

What food do you eat too much of?
Chicken

What kind of hairstyle do you have?
Wavy curls

What was your favorite activity in gym class?
Sitting down

What is on the shirt you're wearing right now?
Nothing

What is the picture nearest to you of?
Me as a baby wearing a shirt that says “WORLD’S GREATEST DAD”

What kind of salad dressing do you like?
Caesar

Whats your least favorite food?
Veggies

What do you do on a Sunday night?
Watch movies

What color are your sheets?
Red

How big is your computer display?
Normal

What pair of shoes do you wear most often?
Sneakers

What is your favorite game?
Games that make me hungry

What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
Turkey?

What is your favorite pizza topping?
Cheeeeese!

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?
No plans haha!

What is your favorite day of the year?
My bday =)

I don't know why

I don't know how I'm suppose to feel right now.

bottling it up makes me feel like breaking down.
but letting it all out will risk too much exposure,
to the deepest core of my feelings.

I don't like sharing everything that I am,
it scares the hell out of me.

How am I suppose to open up?

I don't know how.
It's hard for me to trust.

I'm holding back,
I'm afraid of baring it all because I might be left with nothing,
I'm scared of giving it all because I might lose everything.

Trust is about not being afraid to lose everything.

How can I love if I'm not willing to give it all?
How can I love if I can't trust?

*It's not that I can't, I can but I'm too afraid to.*

please proceed here

www.syafiqahamir-blablabla.tumblr.com

I AM NOT CONVERTING!

this is just the blog that is NOT for the public

warning: beware of random, inappropriate, boring, short or long, insightful, unlikely, 'to your liking or not' posts :D

today, the 19th, is a special day

one month ago today,
we sat in my car listening to your CD,
you asked me the big question and I said yes.

it was the happiest I've ever felt in ages,
& it was the best decision I've ever made.

thank you for bringing meaning to my life.
I sayang you!
you changed my whole life :DD

there are so many more things I want to say but I just don't know how to say it,
I can't express/explain/describe it.

the only way I can try to put it,
30 days = joy, laughter, happiness and everything!

I laughed a lot more these past 30 days than I used to.

so thank you very much for making me the happiest I've ever been :DD

p/s: I wish I could say/tell you more but I ran out of words

can't sleep

Okay, so I’m 20,
How do I feel about it?
Pretty blank I guess.

Well, that’s only part of it.

The other part is full of mixed up emotions,
Too overwhelming, too strong, too FAST!!!

I can feel myself slipping to this haze-like phase,
My progression dropping,
My rationality drifting away,
Until nothing else matters but...

Urgh! Have you ever felt something so strong for a person that you, yourself can’t control it?
Even if you wanted to?
Even if every aching bone in your body is screaming at you but you still find yourself helpless and unable to do a thing?!

The more I care about a person, the more I worry about them

And what am I even doing blogging at this hour?

Truth is, I can’t sleep.

I haven’t been able to really sleep these past few nights.

I’m too stressed out by these expectations that certain people expect from me.

I think too much.

This is so not how I should be posting as my official birthday post,
There’s nothing happy about it at all.

I know it’s kind of late,
And we’re already in the middle of it,
But better late than never right?
Just wanted to wish good luck to everyone for the finals!

headache

*headache*

I just wanna sit in my room and study till my senses stop recognizing other needs and the only time I'll stop is when I'm trully, pain-riddenly exhausted!
fall flat and sleep!

the reason I'm stressing about this is because if I don't do well this semester,
I'm pretty much screwed.
and I'll be blamed on in all shapes and sizes in every way possible.

trust me,
it'll be from the second I wake up in the morning
to the tiniest detail of my lifestyle.

if this goes wrong,
EVERY SINGLE THING I did before will be at fault.

but nooo!
apparently I can't sit peacefully in my room surrounded happily by books,
no, I must be interrupted,
I must be bombarded with all sorts of probs.

there had been a situation when I was sitting with a book and I was literally yelled at as if I was doing something wrong!

If I don't study it's a crime,
if I DO study its also a crime!

so to simplify this, basically this is what I have to do in order:
1. listen
2. study
3. get good results

I can't always listen and when I don't,
studying is also used as an excuse to yell at me...

I'm stressed out,
my heart is not completely it in,
and I'm being forced into directions I don't wanna go regardless of how I feel about it.

my opinion is not needed,
I only exist to respect not to speak,
if I speak I'm being rude.

if I keep being forced to go to ways I don't wanna go,
without even asking me how I feel about it
or even wondering if I'm okay with it in the first place,
I think I'm gonna lose it.

so onto the bright side,
I've never been this happy :)
but happiness comes with a price of course.

and I'm sad because I just started to feel happy
and it's like there are a hundred things trying to snatch that happiness away from me :(

why won't they just let me be?
why do they have to feel threatened by my happiness?
are they afraid that I might forget about them?
why is my happiness being used as a punching bag that they can use to blame me for everything I lack?

they don't even look at me in the eye to see if I'm alright.
they act like they care when I'm happy but when I stop paying attention to them for a second, they drill me to the bone and all sorts of accusations are thrown to me.

*bright note*
I wake up happily every morning to you wishing me good morning :)
I fall asleep happily every night to you wishing me good night
I like it that way,
it makes me feel needed instead of needy for once
it's just the rest of the day that I have to face,
I can only be distracted for so long but the probs in reality still remain.

:(

this is how I feel now

WOW! I haven't updated in a very long, long, looooong time!

Haven't been able to go online these past few weeks,
been busy with studies, family, friends & special person <3

nonetheless, though not much was typed I did get a lot written on paper,
I wish they were assignments but sadly, they were only doodles...

this one piece I wrote while I was in one of my irk classes,
forgive me because I couldn't pay attention,
part of it was because of you, another part of it was because I was scared.

so this one sort of has a sombre feeling to it,
it was inspired by Colbie Calliat's "I Never Told You"

it's still in its original raw form,
I really didn't feel like editing it much because well, I wrote it while I was in class but my heart was obviously elsewhere...

It's called "I Should Have Known."

My heart beats though it bleeds,
And it’s your fault,
Oh, it’s your fault.

I don’t know who to blame for this letdown,
But maybe,
Just maybe I’m not ready.

Oh, I’m expressively happy when I’m with you,
Yet it’s taking too much of me.

I should have known,
I should have known better,
Then to let you drag my heart away,
Was it you,
Or was it just me?
I just want us to be ‘we’

I should have known...

Your eyes smile and it takes away the pain,
I go blind,
Yeah, I go blind for you.

Crying won’t solve, life continues,
But my life can never be,
Without you

Oh, the world fades away when it’s just you and me,,
Yet it’s taken a hold of me.

I’ve fallen a victim,
Into this helplessness that I can’t help,
Knocking the breath out of me,
No, I don’t want you to stop,
But maybe I just don’t know what I want,
I should have known that I can never stop ‘we’

I’m so scared,
I’m so scared,
I’m so scared to fall

I have to give up,
Either on you or the rest,
This choice I have to make,
Can one possibly live without breathing?


now this next one,
yes this one is new,
this one is definitely happier,
happier because the one up there is the scary version,
this one is the "I'm so sure" version =)

which basically killed all my doubts and fears

this one is called "This is How I Feel Now."

It was like a metaphor,
Rainy days and lonely nights with no one to confide,
It was unexpected, this change of heart,
Felt clueless and confused, couldn’t see it from the start.

You came in a flash of light,
My head screamed, slow down this dream,
Yet my heart triumphed, I stopped listening,
All I could hear was you whispering.

And I asked you what made you come,
And you said it was everything, everything...

The first time I met you,
I had no idea that you’d be so important to me,
Push a couple of weeks,
That felt like eternity,
Nothing could explain, except,
This is how I feel now.

I was perfectly content,
I thought you were too,
I didn’t see that it was right around the corner,
That it was you.

Then you asked me what I liked about you,
And I was speechless, speechless about you...

And now I like everything about you,
Your laughter, your smile,
This change, at every end of the day,
There you are, maybe you’ve been there all the while,
I didn’t see it, I couldn’t believe it,
But this is how I feel now.

Under the tree, on the damp grass as we lay
I realized you make me happier with each passing day,
So let’s just let our hearts lead the way,
In fact, I don’t care, I like us this way.

update

I feel vigorously satisfied tonight!
Part of it is because I finally got to engage myself in writing once more : )

I always feel so de-waitforit-lightful every time I get to write something so wholesome.
It feels emotionally satisfying to me.

Although this is not my own original work,
It’s an adaptation of the play titled “The Dollhouse” (The play my group has been assigned to perform this semester)
And I wasn’t the one who adapted it from the actual play,
That would be a very murderous attempt,
My other group mates went about doing that.
I only had to edit it.

But it feels just as good to know that the final product is finally finish and ready for production!

Other study updates have been the usual routine,
As usual I need a little push to get enthusiastic about the other subjects.

I can specifically count how many times I was able to pay attention in Mass Com class.
Most of the time I’d be sleepy, drowsing off, yawning, trying so hard to keep my eyes open.

I literally stopped caring about keeping up with two of my other classes just because I know that I’ve already presented.
The assignment for one of those subjects in nearly done, just need a final group discussion and briefing on topics we need to present.
The other class assignment I can pin down that it’s only 30% done. And that’s only on my part, I don’t know about the rest of my group members.

Both of these assignments need to be submitted two weeks before the semester ends and as usual, what goes through our heads is...”oh that’s a looooong time ahead of us, chill first.”

And then, do the work last minute.

Haish, when is there ever going to be a change in my attitude?
I always need that extra pressure to push me off the edge,
I can never do something just because I want to.

Maybe it’s because I’m not into some of these subjects.

Oh and Phonetics & Phonology,
I recently found out that I wasn’t the only one who is blur in this class!
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
For this one, I definitely need a push.
I can’t frigging get it through my head, can’t understand a single damn thing!

So while I feel absolutely unenthusiastic about all my other works,
All I can do is focus all my effort, energy and attention to the drama production.

I usually need more time to get into things, learn to know them and to love them.
I do have a passion for this.
Hope all goes well =D

*this is coming from a literature person, not linguistics person. So you do the math.*

And my romantic side has been called into duty,
Why is it so hard to explain love?
People can express it in many different ways and words which can instantly make you go “awww!”

For me,
This is as close as I can relate it to.
I think this song is what love really feels like.
It’s by Evenscence, I forgot what the song is called :p

I can’t run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
Though I try to forget you’re all that I am,
Take me home,
I’m through fighting it.

Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You’re my only strength.

Without you,
I can’t go on anymore.

My only hope,
My only peace,
My only joy,
My only strength,
My only home,
My only light,
My only love.

I can’t run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry.
In all my bitterness,
I ignored all that’s real and true,
When all I need is you.

When night falls on me,
I’ll not close my eyes,
I’m too alive,
And you’re too strong,
I can’t lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry.

Constantly ignoring the pain consuming me,
But this time it’s gotten too deep,
I’ll never stray again.

quote

"it is hard but I guess in some ways being away from someone is always... if you really like them it makes... in a strange way makes it better because the more time you spend away, the more you're thinking about them, the more you want to see them again. I guess being away... leaving... not spending too much time together is always a good thing to do." - Robert Pattinson =D

scary

a lot of scary things have been happening since I moved into my new place.

stuff like broken windows,
literally they were fine when I got here,
then the locks broke n net thing that catches all the flies broke into two and whenever there're strong winds my window can easily be pushed open... yikes!

other stuff like my closet doors can open all by itself,
I swore whenever I leave my room I lock every thing up,
when I return I find things like that opened (when I know I closed 'em!)
and my other belongings suddenly being in random places where I never left 'em.

and don't start thinking that my mom might've walked in while I was away,
I lock my room every time I leave... I'm an extremely private person & I don't like people going through my stuff.

and I'm the only one who owns the key to my room,
unlike my old house there were copies,
for now, I'm the only one who gets a say in who enters and who doesn't.

like seriously,
I pile clothes in one corner and leave for the day,
I come back and suddenly they're scattered all over the place,
my window can open and close by itself whenever it feels like it.

and oh yeah, my toilet seat broke =(

huh... haven't settled in this new place just yet.

but on the bright side,
my days haven't been perfect (I'm getting to the bright side)
they're only okay,
some are even crappy,
but I'm very glad that I get to wake up happy every morning and go to bed happy =D every night hehe!

you are the best thing that's ever been mine.













you're my favorite song ;)

money

I have A LOT of things to pay for:

1.Phone bill – rm150++
2.Internet bill – only God knows how much it is, I haven’t received the bill yet but I’ve already exceeded my limit.
3.Uni fees – whoa! This one is a lot. Let’s just say education costs more than half of my savings.

And I’m sure there are plenty of more bills to come plus other things that I have to pay but the news has not reached me yet.
As if I’m not as shocked as it is,
I guess it’s what you get as you get older,
More responsibilities,
More things that you need to carry on your shoulder.

I expected that if I was going to be independent, I was bound to face this kind of stuff.
Little did I know that they were going to come so sudden and the amount nearly made me scream.

I hate this money-oriented society but I can’t help but accept the fact that we need money to live.

A few days ago I was having an argument about money,
(Yeah, it’s always an argument with me)
I was talking about how people shouldn’t make such a big deal about money and that money doesn’t mean everything etc.

Basically, I asked the parents for money to pay uni fees.
And I’m sure not everyone is as lucky as I am that I get to ask for this large amount on the spot.

But I had my reasons,
It was mostly because I knew we’re going through a smooth-sailing time right now,
Better than we usually are; better than we used to be,
Financially, we were doing well thank God.

So naturally I put up a fight when Mom told me she couldn’t give me the money at the time that I needed it.

I was like “What?”
I couldn’t believe she gave me that excuse,
All I could think about was why in the world was it so difficult to draw money out of the ATM and have it sent to me.
I thought about possible, RELIABLE transportation that could get that money to me.

But no,
No time... this is too last minute,
Mom told me if I wanted to settle it on my own I had to use my own money.

Fine,
I could do just that,
I had enough in my savings,
But it’s called savings so that I can save it for the future and not spend that large amount right now.
Guess I had no choice though.

That’s cool,
I was climbing the steps into independence.

Haven’t paid the fees yet but if worse comes to worse I don’t mind if I have to use my own cash,
How long am I going to keep asking for money?
I’m at the right age to start being responsible for my own being and financial matters, aren’t I?

Yeah, so that’s what I told her,
I could handle it, I’ll get it settled.

Then the first bomb hit,
BOOM! Phone bill!
Second bomb,
BOOM! Internet has exceeded usage.

The phone bill confused me for the longest of time,
Why, why did it reach that much during this time?
Did I overspend?
Did I even notice my phone activity changing from normal?
Even Celcom texted me with a warning.

Wow,
For the first time I’m having real-life money issues that I have to handle on my own,
That does not have anything to do with shopping :P

As for the internet,
It exceeded during merdeka night,
So I was left without internet (life) for a very long and torturous time.

Another thing that bothered me,
All my bills for this month (phone, internet etc) should reach my new house,
If it doesn’t then the people living at my old house will get my bills & letters sent to them.

Why, why does it have to happen this month?
Why do my bills decide to go crazy on the month that I’m moving?
When I don’t even know if the bills will reach me or someone else??

This is so frustrating,
I need to know how much I’m suppose to pay,
To do that I need to get my bills,
This has to be mailed to me TO MY NEW HOUSE.

Or else I’m just going to stay in the foreign, strange place and worry about money issues all day!

Remember, a house is not a home.
And I haven’t even slept there yet.
Dealing with money issues when I don’t even have a home can be a pain.

But hey, it’s something we all have to go through right?
Grow up,
Take care of yourself,
Be responsible for yourself,
Panic, freak out and then get yourself settled.

Hope all goes well :)

ps: tonight's my first night in this new house, new room, new apartment in Mont Kiara *winkwink*

twist it here, twist it there

let's talk about love.
confessions of love are so dramatic right?

I don't love you though. love is such a strong word and I think it should be saved until I truly feel it.
but I like you. in fact, I really, really, really like you. and I'll continue to like you.
that will eventually lead to love, I hope.

but I have to get my priorities straight,
don't get me wrong, you are important,
and this isn't an excuse,
but I'm not even sure of my own feelings,
I'm not in the right place yet,
I'm not the right person yet.

I can tell you this though,
I'm not going to wander elsewhere,
I'll stay true and loyal,
honest from my heart, I'm pining for no one else but you.

it might look like... well, like there are others,
and this is when I start to hate myself,
if they are not you, I become such a bitch.

I get so frustrated when others come and they are NOT you.
and sometimes I wonder if it's fair that I'm saying "no" to them when I'm not necessarily saying "yes" to you either.

does that make me such a horrible, terrible person?

the whole excuse, "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" or "I have other things going on in my life right now."

when it's not that I'm not ready,
if it were you, I won't hesitate a second to say that I am ready!

but in the end, studies comes first.

so have I really become a cruel, cold, heartless person?
I can't help it,
I say things to avoid from getting myself into a sticky situation,
or I'll just put on a cold shoulder so that I don't lead them on anymore...

I've never done anything like this before,
I'm starting to question myself and my morality,
I don't want to become everything I hate just because I'm not interested in someone.

bright note,
I love my friends <3
I love them because they make me feel at home when I currently don't even have a home.

And I love these kind of friends who I don't see too often anymore,
it's not a sad thing,
because I spend days missing them and wishing I could meet up with them,
and when I do get to see them it's so worth it.

sometimes when you spend time away from someone you'll realize how much they mean to you and you'll cherish every short moment you get with them :)

twist it here, twist it there,
wherever my heart goes,
it will lead straight to you,
so enjoy the ride.

smile =)

a picture of Tim Urban a day keeps the doctor away =)

I miss...

I miss this...



and this...



and these...







especially this...



I think the world needs more of this...



"it's easy to make your face smile, the hard part is getting your heart to match" - Tim Urban