headache

*headache*

I just wanna sit in my room and study till my senses stop recognizing other needs and the only time I'll stop is when I'm trully, pain-riddenly exhausted!
fall flat and sleep!

the reason I'm stressing about this is because if I don't do well this semester,
I'm pretty much screwed.
and I'll be blamed on in all shapes and sizes in every way possible.

trust me,
it'll be from the second I wake up in the morning
to the tiniest detail of my lifestyle.

if this goes wrong,
EVERY SINGLE THING I did before will be at fault.

but nooo!
apparently I can't sit peacefully in my room surrounded happily by books,
no, I must be interrupted,
I must be bombarded with all sorts of probs.

there had been a situation when I was sitting with a book and I was literally yelled at as if I was doing something wrong!

If I don't study it's a crime,
if I DO study its also a crime!

so to simplify this, basically this is what I have to do in order:
1. listen
2. study
3. get good results

I can't always listen and when I don't,
studying is also used as an excuse to yell at me...

I'm stressed out,
my heart is not completely it in,
and I'm being forced into directions I don't wanna go regardless of how I feel about it.

my opinion is not needed,
I only exist to respect not to speak,
if I speak I'm being rude.

if I keep being forced to go to ways I don't wanna go,
without even asking me how I feel about it
or even wondering if I'm okay with it in the first place,
I think I'm gonna lose it.

so onto the bright side,
I've never been this happy :)
but happiness comes with a price of course.

and I'm sad because I just started to feel happy
and it's like there are a hundred things trying to snatch that happiness away from me :(

why won't they just let me be?
why do they have to feel threatened by my happiness?
are they afraid that I might forget about them?
why is my happiness being used as a punching bag that they can use to blame me for everything I lack?

they don't even look at me in the eye to see if I'm alright.
they act like they care when I'm happy but when I stop paying attention to them for a second, they drill me to the bone and all sorts of accusations are thrown to me.

*bright note*
I wake up happily every morning to you wishing me good morning :)
I fall asleep happily every night to you wishing me good night
I like it that way,
it makes me feel needed instead of needy for once
it's just the rest of the day that I have to face,
I can only be distracted for so long but the probs in reality still remain.

:(

this is how I feel now

WOW! I haven't updated in a very long, long, looooong time!

Haven't been able to go online these past few weeks,
been busy with studies, family, friends & special person <3

nonetheless, though not much was typed I did get a lot written on paper,
I wish they were assignments but sadly, they were only doodles...

this one piece I wrote while I was in one of my irk classes,
forgive me because I couldn't pay attention,
part of it was because of you, another part of it was because I was scared.

so this one sort of has a sombre feeling to it,
it was inspired by Colbie Calliat's "I Never Told You"

it's still in its original raw form,
I really didn't feel like editing it much because well, I wrote it while I was in class but my heart was obviously elsewhere...

It's called "I Should Have Known."

My heart beats though it bleeds,
And it’s your fault,
Oh, it’s your fault.

I don’t know who to blame for this letdown,
But maybe,
Just maybe I’m not ready.

Oh, I’m expressively happy when I’m with you,
Yet it’s taking too much of me.

I should have known,
I should have known better,
Then to let you drag my heart away,
Was it you,
Or was it just me?
I just want us to be ‘we’

I should have known...

Your eyes smile and it takes away the pain,
I go blind,
Yeah, I go blind for you.

Crying won’t solve, life continues,
But my life can never be,
Without you

Oh, the world fades away when it’s just you and me,,
Yet it’s taken a hold of me.

I’ve fallen a victim,
Into this helplessness that I can’t help,
Knocking the breath out of me,
No, I don’t want you to stop,
But maybe I just don’t know what I want,
I should have known that I can never stop ‘we’

I’m so scared,
I’m so scared,
I’m so scared to fall

I have to give up,
Either on you or the rest,
This choice I have to make,
Can one possibly live without breathing?


now this next one,
yes this one is new,
this one is definitely happier,
happier because the one up there is the scary version,
this one is the "I'm so sure" version =)

which basically killed all my doubts and fears

this one is called "This is How I Feel Now."

It was like a metaphor,
Rainy days and lonely nights with no one to confide,
It was unexpected, this change of heart,
Felt clueless and confused, couldn’t see it from the start.

You came in a flash of light,
My head screamed, slow down this dream,
Yet my heart triumphed, I stopped listening,
All I could hear was you whispering.

And I asked you what made you come,
And you said it was everything, everything...

The first time I met you,
I had no idea that you’d be so important to me,
Push a couple of weeks,
That felt like eternity,
Nothing could explain, except,
This is how I feel now.

I was perfectly content,
I thought you were too,
I didn’t see that it was right around the corner,
That it was you.

Then you asked me what I liked about you,
And I was speechless, speechless about you...

And now I like everything about you,
Your laughter, your smile,
This change, at every end of the day,
There you are, maybe you’ve been there all the while,
I didn’t see it, I couldn’t believe it,
But this is how I feel now.

Under the tree, on the damp grass as we lay
I realized you make me happier with each passing day,
So let’s just let our hearts lead the way,
In fact, I don’t care, I like us this way.