Wednesday, April 27, 2011

heaping update

It’s called a ‘heaping' update because you’re about to get a lot thrown at your faces!!

Well, a lot of things have happened since my last update. And by a lot I do mean A LOT!
I’ve been so preoccupied that I’ve become ignorant towards the changes around me.

Like, while I sit writing in my boring, old blog, some of my friends now have tumblrs!
(I might conform soon, I can just feel it)

But nonetheless, I will not abandon this blog.
Though it might feel like I don’t blog in here much,
When there is something big happening I always still feel obliged to write in THIS blog :)

Now on to the ‘a lot of things have happened’ part,
I guess I should start from the beginning...

I guess it started during last semester’s exams,
Towards the end of it I felt a huge change in the campus atmosphere,
I felt it socially, academically, psychologically...

Socially, well that’s too personal to talk about here,
I’ve told some people about this,
About how lately the ones who were so close to me before are now not
And that makes me sad

It’s certainly was not something I wanted to deal with especially during exams.

But it affected me greatly,
I sometimes stayed up crying about this person,
About why things suddenly changed,
I searched for things I might’ve done wrong in the past

Of course, in that state, I thought about LOADS,
But as I tried to make amends and the situation got better (in talking terms)
We are still far from what we were like before *sigh*

Academically, I found myself unenthusiastic about papers which subjects I used to be so passionate about,
And I found myself being enthusiastic to answers papers which subjects I formerly detest so much :P

Well I guess that’s about it academically,
I can’t really tell how well I performed until I see the results.

Oh and now psychologically (more personal than psychological I think)
My mind was all over the place,
I was thinking too much (as I always do)
My emotions were a roller coaster
And my rationality had left the building completely

To sum it all,
I was in a really bad state by the end of the semester,
It was definitely not how I wanted to end things.

One thing that really affected me – that may seem harmless to the outside eye – was saying goodbye to a loved one :(

Not for good but because I was saying goodbye to THIS person, it kind of made me feel down

And it was raining when we had to say goodbye!

As I sat on the driver’s seat & waved goodbye,
He stood outside in the pouring rain holding my umbrella (which btw, he still hasn’t returned yet!)
I think I waved goodbye for 1 whole minute before the mirror got foggy and it became too hard to see his face through the heavy rain.

I kind of almost cried while driving back... almost.

So I came back home on the same day that my grandma had to be admitted to the hospital,
And that has been just another round of an emotional ride.

She was admitted for one week and then brought back home and then a few days later (a few days ago) had to be admitted again.

This is like the first time ever that my holiday doesn’t feel much like a holiday,
I have never spent a holiday taking care of another person,
Not that it’s a bad thing.
It’s definitely a new way of spending the holidays, it’s different.

But it’s been tough,
There was this one point when things got so hard to do I actually thought that my head would explode!

And I can’t believe I’m about to say this,
Screw assignments & exams,
This is the hardest, most stressful thing I have ever had to do!

There’s only one thing that keeps me going nowadays,
This piece of advice that was given to me by a certain someone,
“Be patient, there’s always a rainbow after the storm”
Which means, sometimes the best things can happen in the midst of misery.

At times I feel like I’m not strong enough to go through something like this,
I feel like I’m not good or righteous enough to be the best,
That I am not the best so stop trying to force me to become the best

I am not a noble person,
I cannot act like I am,
I cannot act like I have endless patience & positivity,
But I know I have to,
Even if I can’t be the best then at least I can try to be the best that I can be

So it’s been hard, really, really hard,
I’ve been told to do this & that,
Putting my own needs & wants to the side,
Feeling like nobody gives a damn about me,
One time I even labelled myself as “the slave”

Oh and on top of all that
During the holidays I went to the ER
And the doctor sent me to a specialist and I found out that I have chronic urticaria (Google it)

But really, nobody gives a damn about that because apparently
I’m not the sickest among the sick ;)