I'm just a wallflower

I’m just a wallflower,
Trapped inside a picture frame,
Behind glass and paint of silver,
Waiting for someone who never came.

I’m just a wallflower,
An object to be ignored,
And tossed into the river,
And tussled with when bored.

I’m just a wallflower,
Putting on an innocent smile,
To hide all the pain and anger,
That stretches further with each mile.

I’m just a wallflower,
And I miss you,
Here, I am a prisoner,
I just want to come home to you.

if this doesn't get through your head then I don't know what will...

blogging with pictures

this is fun!

1. The age you will be on your next birthday


2. A place you’d like to travel to


3. Your favourite place


4. Your favourite food


5. Your favourite pet


6. Your favourite colour combination


7. Your favourite piece of clothing


8. Your all time favourite song


9. Your favourite TV show


10. First name of your significant other


11. The town in which you live


12. Your nickname


13. Your first job


14. Your dream job


15. A bad habit you have


16. Your worst fear


17. The one thing you’d like to do before you die

ME!

Oooooh just a little bit more about ME!

I have lost interest in activities I once enjoyed.

I think I'm losing interest in reading & writing *sigh* so sad :(

and that whole chronic urticaria thing

before I went to the specialist to get it tested,
I took other medications and from what I've been told all that meds I've been putting in my body (to help numb the pain) has a lot of side effects & are most probably triggering or even causing it to become worse :(

talked to my brother about this,
you see I have this habit of throwing this beach ball around in my room at random times a day... say at 1 o'clock in the morning onwards :P

so I told him what the specialist said and he said,
"you know why you like to play ball at 1am? it's the steroids"

so yeah, I've been taking too much medication

I'm currently in a steroid-free treatment now

it doesn't help to numb the pain or make me woozy,
but it is the safest way to treat this ting.

ONE MORE THING
It has been scientifically proven that giving me sweet stuff like candies or lollipops (ESPECIALLY COOKIES) will INSTANTLY turn me into a cheerful, positive person whenever I'm feeling down.
this study is a 100% valid because the results are the SAME every single time :D

heaping update

It’s called a ‘heaping' update because you’re about to get a lot thrown at your faces!!

Well, a lot of things have happened since my last update. And by a lot I do mean A LOT!
I’ve been so preoccupied that I’ve become ignorant towards the changes around me.

Like, while I sit writing in my boring, old blog, some of my friends now have tumblrs!
(I might conform soon, I can just feel it)

But nonetheless, I will not abandon this blog.
Though it might feel like I don’t blog in here much,
When there is something big happening I always still feel obliged to write in THIS blog :)

Now on to the ‘a lot of things have happened’ part,
I guess I should start from the beginning...

I guess it started during last semester’s exams,
Towards the end of it I felt a huge change in the campus atmosphere,
I felt it socially, academically, psychologically...

Socially, well that’s too personal to talk about here,
I’ve told some people about this,
About how lately the ones who were so close to me before are now not
And that makes me sad

It’s certainly was not something I wanted to deal with especially during exams.

But it affected me greatly,
I sometimes stayed up crying about this person,
About why things suddenly changed,
I searched for things I might’ve done wrong in the past

Of course, in that state, I thought about LOADS,
But as I tried to make amends and the situation got better (in talking terms)
We are still far from what we were like before *sigh*

Academically, I found myself unenthusiastic about papers which subjects I used to be so passionate about,
And I found myself being enthusiastic to answers papers which subjects I formerly detest so much :P

Well I guess that’s about it academically,
I can’t really tell how well I performed until I see the results.

Oh and now psychologically (more personal than psychological I think)
My mind was all over the place,
I was thinking too much (as I always do)
My emotions were a roller coaster
And my rationality had left the building completely

To sum it all,
I was in a really bad state by the end of the semester,
It was definitely not how I wanted to end things.

One thing that really affected me – that may seem harmless to the outside eye – was saying goodbye to a loved one :(

Not for good but because I was saying goodbye to THIS person, it kind of made me feel down

And it was raining when we had to say goodbye!

As I sat on the driver’s seat & waved goodbye,
He stood outside in the pouring rain holding my umbrella (which btw, he still hasn’t returned yet!)
I think I waved goodbye for 1 whole minute before the mirror got foggy and it became too hard to see his face through the heavy rain.

I kind of almost cried while driving back... almost.

So I came back home on the same day that my grandma had to be admitted to the hospital,
And that has been just another round of an emotional ride.

She was admitted for one week and then brought back home and then a few days later (a few days ago) had to be admitted again.

This is like the first time ever that my holiday doesn’t feel much like a holiday,
I have never spent a holiday taking care of another person,
Not that it’s a bad thing.
It’s definitely a new way of spending the holidays, it’s different.

But it’s been tough,
There was this one point when things got so hard to do I actually thought that my head would explode!

And I can’t believe I’m about to say this,
Screw assignments & exams,
This is the hardest, most stressful thing I have ever had to do!

There’s only one thing that keeps me going nowadays,
This piece of advice that was given to me by a certain someone,
“Be patient, there’s always a rainbow after the storm”
Which means, sometimes the best things can happen in the midst of misery.

At times I feel like I’m not strong enough to go through something like this,
I feel like I’m not good or righteous enough to be the best,
That I am not the best so stop trying to force me to become the best

I am not a noble person,
I cannot act like I am,
I cannot act like I have endless patience & positivity,
But I know I have to,
Even if I can’t be the best then at least I can try to be the best that I can be

So it’s been hard, really, really hard,
I’ve been told to do this & that,
Putting my own needs & wants to the side,
Feeling like nobody gives a damn about me,
One time I even labelled myself as “the slave”

Oh and on top of all that
During the holidays I went to the ER
And the doctor sent me to a specialist and I found out that I have chronic urticaria (Google it)

But really, nobody gives a damn about that because apparently
I’m not the sickest among the sick ;)

late late late

haven't updated for nearly TWO MONTHS!
been very busy, busy, busy...
but no worries, I'm back with GIFTS for the EYES!!







as you may have guessed, gifts for MY eyes obviously








these are two completely different people of course

oh and also, I'm addicted to this new series called:



which stars this boy



okay, another one :)



hehehehehehehe!
okay, see you after the finals!

first post of the year

First post of the year.
Why did it take me so long to post?
Well to be honest, there was really nothing for me to blog about.
I mean a lot has happened, a lot has changed, some still haven’t changed and others are still in between.
But I didn’t just want to blog about something too blah like “Oh today I did this and bla bla bla” or “I’m so happy today because bla bla bla mushy mushy mushy eww eww eww double the eww”
I remember when I first started this blog, it used to be about my opinions and views and how neutral I tried to be about certain stuff. I used t give indirect settings/objects/situations about what I was talking about so that I didn’t have to be censored (hence, the blog title) or have to limit myself about what I meant to say and just say it the way I wanted to say it without giving a damn :)
I was able to express myself.
But then I got too used to saying whatever crap I wanted to say and expressing myself too often – got too cheery, giddy, over the top, sometimes depressed posts and so on – and it just lost all its meaning to me.
Yet they were memories nonetheless.
For now, I’d rather limit myself and only post stuff that really means something instead of just putting up ‘crap’ :p
Now I wanted to say I’ve realized that my thoughts have become irrational lately.
My decisions are hasty.
My opinions and views are biased (OMG! I’m turning into the thing I hate most!)
Like this semester,
I’ve always had an ongoing need for balance.
To find it, to have it and to keep it.
I lost that in the beginning of the semester.
So I felt horrible for not carrying out my duty as a student (gosh, I feel like such a nerd :p)
To ease myself I became an LMS freak.
I kept myself updated with the lecture notes, downloaded them, complied them until I had one big file.
It was no use because I had the material but I never used it.
Never read them so the notes are still clean and safe from my doodles.
Well, I’ve doodled on some of them but they’re pretty useless doodles of a daydreamer in class hehehe!
Most of my presentations for this semester are done and it’s only the first half of the semester
*whoa this semester is going by so fast :(*
And I can honestly say that I’ve only given 50% to each of them. And I bet presentations are pretty important if you want the marks.
But all I did was read from the slides, from extra short slides made by yours truly, and I was spontaneous and just said what came to my mind.
At times I didn’t even know what I was talking about.
That’s okay. Cause since I didn’t know what I was talking about I didn’t really expect anybody else to understand me either.
Then there are midterms this Wednesday.
*again, I should be studying for them but instead I’m PROCRASTINATING*
At first, I had 3 midterms this Wednesday.
Then one of them got postponed so now I only have to study for two papers.
I didn’t know if I was too happy about the postponed paper, in fact I much prefer to just get it over with and just answer whatever the hell I want and regret the results later.
But the postponed paper will give me more time to reflect now :)
So since I only have 2 papers to focus on, what shall I do?
Do I hit the books right away?
I doubt that.
I can feel my progression slipping.
I am fully UNprepared for midterms!
Hello 2nd year.

my 100th post

welcome to my official 100th post

RAIN

I have experienced a kind of beauty that I have never noticed before.

that sound the rain makes when it trickles down my windowpane =)

there was a storm just now and as I look out... I never noticed the view like this before.

yes it's the city, more specifically the highway just beside my building.

an annoyance I always complained about because of the constant honking I hear at night during traffic

but now as I look at it, despite the storm, there are no traffic jams.

which means no honking which pleases me greatly hehe!

and this beauty does come in stages.

first there was natural sunlight in my room, lighting every corner.

(a good thing since I never ever once opened my curtains at my old house, now I can have some sun in my room!)

makes me a sunny person :D

then all of a sudden it starts to get darker and darker,

and the rain begins softly

every time it rains I think of you

and then finally the storm.

rain, rain trickling down my window, keeping my room cool and calm.

my window gets foggy and the world disappears.

I open the window and my face gets wet and it makes me feel alive!

the wind blows me away and think oh God, life is great!

I just can't notice it sometimes.

funny how the smallest of things can give you the biggest impact.

the best part is,

I feel like Rapunzel (long hair on the way) all the way up here.

now I just have to wait for Prince Charming to come rescue me ;)

and I know I'll be alright



this is the view from my room when it first started to rain




and this was during the storm

ooooh and... ONE MORE THING

omg omg omg I must watch this! I MUST! I MUST!



I really don't want this to be one of those situations where the trailer explodes but the movie just... doesn't.



oh how I've missed you Alex (the yummy) Pettyfer a.k.a abs of a sexgod ;)